To the Guy Who Broke into My Car

My car got broken into yesterday while I was on a very short run with my friend. I left the car the same as always; hid my purse in the glove compartment, logged us into the trail book and we set off, running past the reservoir and coming back in less than half an hour. After running Mt Tamalpais the day before that, all I wanted was a short, easy recovery run. The two miles we ran were pleasant all the way until we got back to the car.

All it took was less than 10 minutes – a couple we met who was on their way back to their car (couldn’t be more than 10 minutes away from the trailhead) got theirs broken into, too. After cancelling my debit card, only praying that none of the other IDs (like my college ID) in combination with my drivers license will be used to steal my identity (good luck with that; because of my immigration status you won’t be able to do much anyway), and getting some sleep, I have a little something I would love to tell to the piece of… human being who broke the window, stole my stuff and, in the end, got both me and my friend injured.

  1. For the $60-something you found in my purse, buy your kids ice-cream. You must have seen the three child seats in the back of my car. If you don’t have kids, have some ice-cream yourself. In fact, have so much of the delicious ice-cream that you’ll spend the next few days in your bathroom with diarrhea.
  2. The black purse with white cats that you took was a gift from my sister whom I haven’t seen in two years and won’t see for a longer time still. Whatever you do with its contents, give the purse to somebody you care about then, instead of throwing it into a garbage can.
  3. Lose your drivers license and spend triple the time I’m about to spend at DMV. Like, seriously. Triple. With current DMV waiting times, you’ll have three pleasant days of standing in lines. Have a great time wasting the precious hours of your life.
  4. My friend sat in the glass before she noticed it and got a cut on her leg that kept bleeding. I got a piece of glass stuck in my big toe and had to dig it out, which was everything but pleasant and it still hurts. My hands got all cut, too, while trying to clean it up. You can go and try to walk on hot coals – they’ll substitute just fine and I heard it’s a wonderful exercise if you get properly ready for it. But I bet you wouldn’t have to be getting ready for it – just jump right in.
  5. I’m really – like, REALLY – curious about what went on in your mind. Once they catch you and put in jail, please use the time you’ll have there to write a memoir or something. I expect a free copy or two – after all, you already took a three-good-books worth of cash from me.
  6. I understand that sometimes, circumstances could lead one to those desperate acts. If I’m to give you the biggest advantage of doubt, I’d say I’m not even mad at you anymore – I WOULD say that if it weren’t for the hell I’m going to go through at the DMV. But let me ask you one question – if you were so desperate, how come you can afford a pickup truck? Yes, you’ve been seen “hurrying” away from the trailhead. And why would you choose to steal stuff from such an old car as mine? Believe me, if I was at least as rich as to be able to spare those $60 you took away from me, I would upgrade to something that doesn’t look like it’s going to break down the very next mile. Why would you expect to find a lot of money or expensive electronics in such a car?
  7. And finally, because we are all civilized around here, we can accept what happened and go on with our lives right? So, because we ARE all so civilized as to not steal from others or use bad language, here goes; BURN IN HELL YOU FUDGED PIECE OF SHORTCAKE OF A HUMAN BEING.

Now I’m going to be driving around with this on my dashboard since it’s going to take some time for me to be able to afford to go and get the window fixed.

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