Everybody Is Watching Me.

So,…

I was judged, again. Once more – and not for the last time. I was standing there – in front of all the people – and everybody stared at me. Unless…

They didn’t. Nobody really cared. I mean – how could they? There were hundreds of people and all eyes were on the band playing in the front. On the stage, there were guys from Imagine Dragons performing their best of the best. And, oh dear, you should hear that special version of Radioactive extended into ten minutes with that wonderful bridge in the middle of the song, with all the light show and everything. I can’t even describe how powerful it felt. I almost cried, being able to hear and see and feel this masterpiece. I was somewhere else, in my own world.

This is how I enjoy stuff like that. I have to forget that other people are there with me. And that’s not easy, while there’s a sea of yelling and screaming monsters ready to kill and eat me if I do anything wrong. Should I stand up and yell and scream too? Wouldn’t it just catch their attention? But sitting here is probably drawing even more attention to me. If I slowly stand up now… NO, NO, NO! Don’t do that – it’s a move and what starts predator’s action? When their prey moves. Do not dare to stand up. Just crouch lower, pretend you’re not here. It will end soon…

And so I am leaving the first ever concert I went to in my life, having that one moment when the music and my world was a bit stronger, than this irrational fear. And keeping that moment saved and hidden deep in my memory, so nobody can ever find it. But what is the main thing I’m leaving with?

Shaking heart (which literally skipped a few beats during the concert), shaking hands, blurred vision and only one wish – to get the heck out of here as soon as possible before all the people realize that I was the one who kept a complete quiet (besides clapping) and come to lynch me. Maybe I will be able to enjoy this concert later – and I can be sure that the memory of that one excellent moment when I was able to erase these irrational fears and actually enjoyed the concert will stay forever strongly written in my brain.

But now, a total panic is flowing through my body and I’m trying to literally escape this life-threatening danger. I know my family is asking me with total misapprehension and a bit of anger why am I going so fast. And I remember almost yelling something like: “Just go, let’s go, faster!” Of course, that made my mum a bit angry. And I understand this.

This is the memory of my first ever concert I went to. It was in Prague O2 Arena. Sold out, if I remember it well. I never told my parents or my sister what I actually felt. What I feel more often than I would like to.

But why now? Why did I decide to write about it all now and not a few years ago, when the concert took place? Because a few years ago I wouldn’t even be able to write about it. What if you, dear reader, are going to laugh at me and what happened? What if you are even going to find my address and throw a stone in my window? Writing this is an everyday challenge and facing and overcoming my irrational thoughts and fears.

And there’s one more reason – because somebody reminded me about that concert, and I thought it would be a good time to come out with all this stuff. Recently I have watched  Lilly Singh’s video on YouTube called Annoying People at Concerts. Don’t get me wrong now, please. I love Lilly Singh (known as IISuperwomanII on YouTube). She’s a huge inspiration for me. And her new book (How to Be a Bawse)? Everybody should read it. But this is not about her. I might write about her later.

Back to that crucial moment in her video. One group of annoying people on the concerts described me exactly. They are quiet. They look like they’re not even enjoying it. According to what she said, they are just spoiling the enjoyment of others watching the concert.

Did you expect me to get mad? Not at all. I’m not here to judge her or your opinions. I’m here to judge just myself and myself again.

Maybe I and people like me, we really do spoil your enjoyment. But if it is like this and you would like us not to come and try to enjoy the music we love (or all the other things we love), it’s not our problem. As well as our condition is not yours. You see where I’m going?

I mean – what about you just ignoring that one sitting person? As well as I (and people like me) try really hard to ignore hundreds of you enjoying the concert, screaming and yelling? What about you just trying not to judge us? Maybe give us a smile to show us everything is fine? (But don’t talk to your friend straight after, we would probably think you are telling them that we were crazy.

– but that’s our problem again, not yours, so tell her or him, how you are enjoying this concert, go ahead! We’ll just deal with our irrational thoughts.)

When I got home and took some time to recover, I could finally appreciate all the music and I have the same memories of that amazing concert as you do. This is why I came there. Because I love that band so much that I decided to overcome my fears and actually show up there so that I could enjoy it later and remember these great moments.

I’m not so different from you.

Hope you’re having a great day. See you back here soon!

One thought on “Everybody Is Watching Me.

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